F-f-f-fifty

Today – yes, today – is my fiftieth birthday.  15337669_1398571906842361_7722977196150417882_nI’ve been celebrating all weekend with my best friend, and there’s a party tonight.  But right now, I’m taking a bit of time alone, with cat, and being me, I’m reflecting.

I’ve been sharing some wonderful quotes on Facebook about aging, and I especially love this one from my favorite author, Madeleine L’Engle:

The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.

Many authors have written on that theme, and I can’t best them, so I’m not going to try.  My reflection today is about how different fifty seems now that I’ve reached it than when the women who shaped my life were reaching this age.

When my mother and my aunts turned fifty, it was unimaginably old.  They were quite definitely grown-ups – fun grown-ups, but grown-ups.  Now I wonder if they felt as I do – that the kid in me is still dominant.  And I don’t only mean in terms of playing, but in doubt, and fear, and especially, hope.  Did they doubt the choices they had made and were making?  Did they fear as I do that they have not achieved what they “should” (whatever the hell that means), or that they were not the woman they had wanted to be?  Did they still hope for more, more, more?  Did they still want to try new things with the abandon of a child, or did they hold back, because they were adults, and they weren’t “allowed”?

Well, now it’s my turn.  And for future reference,  I still doubt, and fear, and hope, and play.  There is fear, but also joy.  And damn, fifty is feeling good.

 

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Down Is Up Is Down

Life is hard and often lonely. This keeps bubbling up in my thoughts today. So I guess maybe today is a good day for reflection.

People around me are going through some very tough times…and I’m not, comparatively. But what’s a comparison worth anyway? Should I feel better because they have it worse? Not so much. Still, perspective can be useful. I guess.

Though perspective does not really help when someone you think of as a friend basically stabs you in the back.thCAITZ423

All of these words to say I’m down today. I may be up later. Or I may not. Because, you know, life is hard, and often lonely.

I Got Nothin’, Part Two

You may remember my somewhat panicky post from Vegas, or you may not.  And sometimes I still get that feeling – that feeling that I have so much to say that I’m actually stopped from saying it – but that’s not what this is about.

It’s been a tough couple of weeks – why doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that despite not really being able to solve any of the issues that have made things bumpy, I’ve dealt with it.  Yes, I’ve had my sad, mad, scared, frustrated moments, but I pushed on through, and here I am.

And sometimes that’s all you CAN do.  I’m a problem solver by nature, but not all problems can be solved.  Not all problems will go away.  Chronic pain is like that.  Some people are like that.  Life is like that.

And here’s a picture of my cats.

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What Was Your Yoga Today?

Yes, yes, yes. But actually, some of these are part of what keep me going. Because every day is different in the hot room, and overcoming challenges to my practice often carries over into overcoming challenges in my life.

Views from the Podium

I did NOT want to practice yoga yesterday. I wanted to go home after teaching the early morning class and climb back into bed and forget about the fact that the house was a mess, I hadn’t written then next blog post, and I am fighting the fact that I feel fat, fat, FAT after the holidays have officially come to a close, even though I have to admit, I’m just bloated and being dramatic. It took every ounce of energy and discipline to keep me at the studio in between classes, knowing that if I didn’t stay I would probably regret it and have to play catch up all week long to get my practice in. So, I stayed and I went through it and it wasn’t awful and it wasn’t amazing…it was my yoga for the day.

Everyday your yoga practice will present you with new challenges. It…

View original post 1,089 more words

I Got Nothin’

Actually, I’ve got a lot.  I have so much to say that I am unable to say it. I am tongue tied. When I start trying to explain, I stutter with the urgency of what I need to say. And then I just fall silent.

IMG_0504Right now, I am sitting in a hotel room in Las Vegas. I’ve been up for hours, due to the time difference, and unable to do much due to pain from a recurring injury. So, I’m watching Law & Order (thank God), reading, playing on the iPad, and trying to form coherent thoughts. No, not simultaneously.

And the final task evades me. I am overwhelmed with the volume of my racing thoughts, and none of them are settling into coherence. Incoherence is more like it.

So, while my scrabbling monkey mind is in ascendance, some random thoughts for your amusement:

-I can almost understand people who purge. My breakfast sucked. But then, saying that is probably both offensive and insensitive. Still, it’s what I was thinking.

-Why is so hard to verbalize feelings? I think it is in part because the words we use to describe them are so weighted with cultural context. “Love”, for example, has a whole set of meanings that society places on it, and while you might feel it, saying it is a whole ‘nother ball game.

-Why does WordPress not have an effective app for the iPad, and at the same time make working from Safari so annoying?

-If my first post of 2015 is this trivial, what does that say about the upcoming year?

-Why isn’t it lunch time (or even better, bedtime) yet?

 

 

Aside

2014 in review

104 countries?  Really?  Seriously?

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 6,000 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Happy New Year! And Some Stats

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.  I may not have a lot of readers, but they are in 133 different countries!

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 21,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 5 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

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